My Tips for Avoiding a Hideous, Raging Inferno on Halloween

The News Times did a piece on how to avoid an accidental fire on Halloween. I am often critical of this paper, but I will admit, their tips were helpful. Among their six tips was to use battery operated candles versus actual candles in a jack-o-lantern.

That is great and all, but I'd like to piggy back on this and share some of my suggestions, ones they may have overlooked. I do this as a public service announcement to help the community. They are as follows:

• DO NOT SMOKE CRACK - I've never smoked crack, but I hear it involves an open flame of some sort. Handling fire is always dangerous, but when you are high on crack, a lot can go wrong. It's also my understanding that many crack heads tend to have a sloppy home. There is a strong chance that your every day lover of crack has a lot of flammable debris lying around. Dry kindling + open flame + crack high = house burned to the ground.
• LAST PERSON TO LEAVE THE HUMAN SACRIFICE BONFIRE MUST EXTINGUISH THE FLAMES - We all know forest fires are a terrible thing. We also know that that some of the these fireside executions can get pretty wild. It's important that we all recognize someone needs to be responsible for putting out the fire when done.
• IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING - If you see a fire, scream "FIRE!" Screaming fire can also be fun at a company gathering where there is no fire. My wife did this at the company Christmas party when we were first dating. I knew then and there I would never leave this woman's side.

There you go. If you follow the helpful hints laid out by the News Times in conjunction with mine, I think we are all in for a happy and safe Halloween. Trick or treat, my friends.

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