8 Necessary Survival Tips to Come Out of Black Friday ALIVE
One day, when we look back at our 2017 Holiday Season, we may not remember the gifts we exchanged, but we will remember the adrenaline rush, the screaming, and the sound of skulls colliding with tile.
You scouted where your big box store keeps the inventory you want, you have a rendezvous point, and you know exactly what time to be ready on Black Friday. You think you have a plan, do you? Think again. The stores have a counter, other shoppers have their own plan. Things can turn on a dime. What happens if you are closing in on the last TV and there is an employee holding it, THEN their friend arrives seconds after you and it's handed off? Do you address it? Do you grab at it? Are you ready for what comes next? Maybe that person knows Krav Maga (that is an Israeli self-defense technique by the way). What if they have military training? What if their hobby just happens to be mixed martial arts? WHAT IF THEY WANT IT MORE THAN YOU? Are you ready to taste your own blood and spill theirs? Are you willing to do that which they are not in order to get out alive? Will you gouge an eye? Do you know how to cut off the blood supply to another human's brain?
These are all questions you may not have considered. If you go out on Black Friday, you might wanna take a beat and answer these questions honestly. This is a lot like The Purge. This is not a peaceful, fun night out with the girls buying bath towels — this is war. Nut up, or risk losing a tooth, finger, a chunk of hair, and likely, your self-respect.
With all that in mind, here are some Helpful reminders for FIGHT NIGHT 2017 (Black Friday):
- Check your emergency exits - When it goes down and control is lost, you need to know where to run.
- Anything can be a weapon - Any object, placed correctly, with just the right pressure can put down your enemy.
- It's them or you - Ask yourself, "What would Rick Grimes do?"
- Don't lose your footing - In a crowd beef, your high school wrestling medal isn't worth anything! Stay off the ground.
- It's not what is in front of you, it's what you CAN'T see - You can square up with Glenn in the electronics aisle and not even know that his wife Terry is right behind you with a tee-ball bat. Keep your head on a swivel.
- No one will hear you scream - Everyone will be screaming. Your pleas for help will just be part of a chorus of agonized cries filling the night air.
- This is a night for action, not reaction - If you have any question about whether someone wants to hurt you, they do.
- Dress for survival - Wear clothing that does not inhibit your movement.Tie your shoes.Your belt can become your best friend and someone else's worst enemy.
If you can remember all of that, you may be able to get the discounts you crave and live to see next Black Friday. That, or stay home. The whole day is created by corporations for the almighty dollar with no regard for your safety anyway. Black Friday is the dumbest, most shallow, ass-backwards tradition in human history.
Here's a look at all the joy 2016's Black Friday brought (VIDEO CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE AND WORSE BEHAVIOR):
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